


Existential Crisis

by Zanya (caidanu)



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types, Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FMASecretSanta2018, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of PTSD, Post-Canon, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-09-27 20:04:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,190
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17168498
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caidanu/pseuds/Zanya
Summary: A part of him itched to pack a bag and go. Anywhere. It didn’t matter. He could pick a direction and keep walking. Hop the next train out of Amestris and lose himself in whatever he could find. If he did, he might not be back for months. He might not seeRoy,for a long time. He might miss his chance to—





	Existential Crisis

**Author's Note:**

> For the fmasecretsanta2018 on tumblr. My recipient is onemoremiraclefandoms, who wanted hurt/comfort. I hope you enjoy the first part of the story and had a wonderful holiday season!

Ed woke up to the prickling sensation of needles in his thigh all the way down to his automail port. He yawned, then rubbed his eyes before looking down at his leg. His blanket had been tossed half off his body, and he could feel the cold seeping into the metal. His fingers gingerly massaged his thigh until he had some feeling back in it. Ed moved his leg back and forth then bent his automail at the knee before wiggling his toes. Then he stretched out his right leg and brought his arms over his head, making sure to crack his back once. Every morning this time of year and during the hot months, he went through this routine to keep himself limber.

He turned then twisted out across his bed until he could tug on his curtains and look outside. Snowflakes gracefully fell down onto the sill and settled. Central rarely got much snow but it already looked like a few inches had fallen overnight. The almanac in Resembool had called for a mild winter this year, but Ed had known for months this winter would be cold and full of moisture from the way his body ached and his old wounds felt stiff.    

The curtain fell back into place when he let go of it. His arm hit the mattress with a soft thump as he stared at the wall. The clock on the nightstand ticked, the sound getting louder and louder in his head until Ed reached out and shoved it off.  It hit the floor, and for a few brief pleasurable seconds he had silence until it started back up again. Ed scowled and pressed his forehead against the mattress.  

His eyes closed as his thoughts wandered. When he got home late last night, he knew he would wake up stiff and achy. He also knew he was going to have one of his down days. That empty feeling had been with him, buried deep inside for a long time. Ed wasn’t entirely sure when it started—after their dad had left or after mom had died—but it had stayed with him through the years, only kept at bay when he had had Al to worry about.    

There was no buffer anymore. Hadn’t been one for years. Not since they defeated Father and he gave up his alchemy to bring his baby brother home. Ed never said anything to anyone. He did his best to smile or keep busy whenever he visited his friends, and that in itself always left him exhausted when he finally had time to himself.    

Ed pushed himself up into a sitting position and leaned his head back against the headboard. His body always got restless, leaving him unable to stay still for too long whenever he felt anxious. He closed his eyes again and inhaled deeply before slowly letting it back out.    

Going home for Yule this year had hit him harder than past few had. Ed couldn’t pinpoint the reasons why his heart had felt so heavy when he boarded the train to Resembool. He had slept most of the way there, and when he reached Winry’s he had passed his exhaustion off as him staying up too late the night before. Neither her nor Al seemed convinced but they hadn’t pushed for a better explanation.  

He had arrived a day earlier than usual so he could hide the presents he had brought with him and sent Al and Winry to the store so that everything would be just like it used to be. Only it wasn’t the same. It never had been for him. Ed showed up each year and went through the motions until it was over or until he could find a reasonable excuse to leave.    

His mother had always made Yuletide special for him and Al. She would hide presents each day around the house during the season for them to find. The presents had never been anything big. Some of the hiding spots held backed goods, others small toys or books, and occasionally a new pair of boots or gloves. It hadn’t mattered what their mom got for them. Seeing the smile on her face as they would find each gift had been enough.    

The three of them had agreed years ago to always get together around Yule. Each Year got a little harder to keep up with, but this year Al and Winry had gotten married in the spring and now had a baby on the way so Ed made sure to be there. The two of them had seemed surprised but excited about the news, and he hadn’t bothered to ask if it was planned.    

No one seemed to mind that Ed had come alone—of course they wouldn’t have considering he was their family—but he had felt like a third wheel. As much as it made him happy that they were able to keep up the tradition by starting a family of their own, it also made his heart ache.  They were moving forward, leaving the past behind, and he had somehow gotten stuck in place, caught between his past and his present. When had he started to feel so... empty?  Like a suffocating void wanted to open up and devour his very essence.  

Ed had considered inviting Roy to take the inevitable awkwardness away, but they weren’t a couple, and neither of them had told anyone they had been sleeping together. That wasn’t a conversation he wanted to start with Al and Winry by showing up with Roy, especially when he wasn’t even sure what they had.    

Most days Ed was okay with that. He never liked labels and would rather let them do whatever it was they were doing and figure it out in its own time. Celebrations made it harder, though. Whenever he showed up alone, it reminded him of how he wouldn’t mind having Roy beside him. Maybe he should have stuck to traveling. Then he would have new places to see and people to meet. That had always been enough to keep himself occupied. Whenever he’d start to feel down, Ed would move on to another city, to new people and allow himself to forget.    

His automail hit the edge of the foot board, pulling him out of his thoughts. Ed blew out a soft breath and pushed himself up and out of bed. He kicked his clock on his way to the dresser and pulled out a fresh pair of sleep pants.  A part of him almost regretted not having another person around instead of the stark silence broken by the awful ticking, but all the laughter and cheerfulness of Al and Winry reminiscing over old memories as they each found and opened a gift had made him weary of being around others.     
   
That was something he always kept to himself. How much he both loved and hated going to Resembool this time of year. He loved going and seeing his little brother and Winry, and granny when she was still alive. Al always seemed so happy to talk about their parents, but Ed hated all the memories of their mom and dad that came with it. Thinking about his mother caused a deep sadness to settle in his chest, only offset by the anger he felt when Hohenheim came up.    

All the forgiveness he had for his old man disappeared when Hohenheim left him and Al next to the military tents after the Promised Day without even a goodbye. Without even making sure Al would be okay. His brother had been so frail then yet so easily forgave their dad. Ed couldn’t. He wasn’t sure he ever would.   

His knee popped as he stood up and finally left his bedroom. Ed went across the hall, tossing his sleep pants into the dark bathroom, then headed down the short hallway. He took a sharp right to his kitchen to grab a snack and some water.       

When he decided to stick around in Central, he got this place on short notice. The apartment was small by normal standards, but plenty big enough for his needs.     
   
The area between the kitchen and living room was open with only a counter separating the two. Ed opened the cupboard closest to him and pulled out a small box of crackers. Ed set the box down on the counter and took out a handful. Getting something into his stomach now would help him be able to eat something later. He glanced at the clock sitting on his counter and realized it was already two o’clock in the afternoon.   

He snacked on the handful of crackers as he tried to think of ways to keep himself distracted today. His thoughts returned to Roy again. Ed wasn’t sure if that was helping or making it worse. What would Roy think if he saw him like this?   

Would there be pity in those dark eyes? Disgust or worry? Deep down he knew Roy wouldn’t pity him or be disgusted, but the possibility of it still clawed at his thoughts until he rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand as if that would take away the ache building there.   

 Ed walked across his living room, hitting his right leg off the edge of the couch. He winced but kept going until he got the small study on the far end.    
   
He turned on the tall lamp near the doorway and glanced around. A small desk sat on the far-left end of the room close to the only small window there. It had a few papers left on it from the thesis he had been working before the holidays. Ed would need to finish it up by Monday. That was one thing he was sure of. His ability to finish a paper on alchemy no matter how he felt. The knowledge and arrays he saw so clearly in his mind had never left when he gave up his Gate. He could write the damned thing half asleep if he had to.    

The room itself was supposed to be a large walk-in hall closet that Ed cleared out for his desk and book shelves. He had made use of the wall opposite of his desk by taking the shelves for shoes and storage and filling them up with books he had collected and stored at Winry’s over the years.   

Al and Winry’s, his mind corrected.  

After traveling out West and Aerugo for three years, Ed spent two years in Xing. That had been plenty of time for him to build his own collection. He found himself soon crouched over the collection he kept on the short bookshelf next to his desk. His fingers moved over his journals as he contemplated rereading them. It had always cheered him up a little when he’d think back to all the places he had been and the people he had met, but now it only made the loneliness feel more potent. It burned in his chest, leaving a sour feeling in the pit of his stomach.  

A part of him itched to pack a bag and go. Anywhere. It didn’t matter. He’d pick a direction and keep walking. Hop the next train out of Amestris and lose himself in whatever he could find. Another part of him didn’t want to leave. If he did, he might not be back for months, maybe even longer.  

Ed stood up, looking over all his books one by one. If he left, he might not see Roy for a long time. He might miss his chance to— 

He had never been the type of person to fall for someone so easily, and while he had a couple of serious relationships in the past, it had never been hard for him to go. Not once the magic wore away and the pushing and demands came. Greed had been right back then. Everyone wanted something, and most people wanted more than he could give.    
   
The questions were always the same. They would ask about his past or if they found out who he was, they wanted to see for themselves how good he was at alchemy, only he couldn’t do it anymore. The only explanation Ed could come up that most people could believe was that he suffered a head injury during the Promised Day and hadn’t been able to do it since.  Sometimes he’d get questions about why his arm wasn’t made of metal anymore and if it ever had been, or when did he plan on settling down and getting a job. When he planned on becoming a man and take on real responsibilities.  

He hated the lies. Hated being pushed to better himself, be someone he wasn’t. There were always small demands for him to dress or act a certain way. Ed knew how to use manners when he needed to. He might have grown up in a small country town, but that didn’t mean he didn’t how to talk to people. When he was rude, he had chosen to be because someone had pushed too far and wouldn’t leave him alone. He no longer fired off at small things. Ed didn’t need to. The rage he felt when he was younger had been replaced by something else. Something that had settled deep inside of him. Something darker.   

Roy took away some of that darkness. There were no lies between them. No need for explanations of why he didn’t want to go out. If he told Roy no to something, it was left at that, no questions asked or reasons needed. It was the same when he was on the road and in another country. There was no need for lies or explaining himself. People didn’t know who he was or the title he had held. Ed never stayed in one spot for too long unless he was visiting Ling.  

It had been simpler then, when he had no obligations or no one to come back to because even though Roy made it easy, he also made Ed’s heart squeeze and his stomach flutter. Roy made him weak for the attention and acknowledgment he craved and he _liked_ it.     

It wasn’t as if traveling had left him without any contact either. But it had always been from a distance, something he could easily control. He had even occasionally written letters to Central Headquarters to keep his old friends and colleagues updated. Ed had given his word to do so right before he took Al home from the hospital after the Promised Day.  Whenever he went to Resembool to have Winry look over his automail, he would have a small stack waiting for him in return. He had known when Roy had gotten both his promotions. When Havoc had finally settled down and gotten married. Ed had read each letter over many times, imagining how each event had gone, then he’d follow up with a story from Winry or Al to get a complete picture to form in his mind.  

With each new letter and story, what he envisioned had become more complete, and Ed had started to wonder why he hadn’t done the same. Pick one place to live so he could get a job, maybe settle down somewhere quiet, and start either a family or a career.     

Everyone had moved on or at least figured out what they wanted to do with their adult lives. Everyone except him. Ed had no idea what occupation he wanted to settle in. He was terrible with maintaining relationships, and the older he got, the more certain he became that he got on better with men than women, which made the likelihood of him becoming a father less and less. Traveling was great, but he knew he couldn’t do it endlessly. Al and Winry suggested he take a couple years off and go back to school but for what?  

The first suggestion he always heard was for teaching alchemy or writing papers for it. He even briefly considered seeing if there was an opening at the First Branch Library. After he got off the train back to Amestris, he had decided to stop in Central Headquarters and visit everyone instead of boarding another to Resembool. He had meant to casually inquire about the library and catch up. What he hadn’t expected was his first reaction to seeing Roy for the first time in years.   

It had almost taken his breath away. He had been laughing at Havoc’s terrible jokes and Breda’s sarcastic commentary in response to them when Roy walked up behind Ed from his inner office, titled his head a little, and smiled.    

 “ _Hello, Edward._ ”  

The words had been so simple yet Ed had been totally unprepared when he had turned to look and heard Roy’s deep voice and had seen that fond smile on his face. He had realized in that moment, that while he may have written to Roy and his team and gotten letters in return, five years had gone by and the picture he had so carefully constructed in his had been blown away by two simple words.   

He had inhaled sharply, automatically dropping his eyes and moving them back up Roy’s body. Ed’s heart had started to beat a little faster, and his words had gotten stuck. He had stammered a hello and immediately wished the ground had opened up and swallowed him whole.     

His reaction hadn’t lasted long, and Ed had played it off like Roy had simply taken him by surprise by walking up behind him so softly, even following with a light joke about once a sneaky bastard, always a sneaky bastard, but Roy had noticed. Only a slight widening of Roy’s eyes, followed by another faint smile gave it away. That smile didn’t have the softness to it the first one had. It looked satisfied or possibly flattered. Ed hadn’t thought much of it to notice what subtle differences Roy had with both those types of smiles at the time outside of how colossally he had embarrassed himself, and now when he looked back, he wasn’t sure which he had seen.      

A soft smile spread across his lips over the memory. After that small moment of awkwardness, it had surprised him how easy they both had fallen into easy banter. His idea about the library had been forgotten. Ed knew after the way his breath had caught, he didn’t want to work in the military again, even if it would have been in a different department. His interests had turned elsewhere, onto the easy laughter and smiles the two of them had shared the rest of his visit.  

Roy had invited him out later that night for a couple drinks, his treat. The question had had a seriousness tone to it as if the invitation had meant more than simply catching up more. Ed clearly remembered his face feeling a little warm and a part of him had wanted to make up some terrible excuse as to why he couldn’t. But even then, he hadn’t been able to look Roy in the eyes and say no. Ed had considered it. He hadn’t planned on staying in Central for even a night. If he hadn’t seen Roy that day, he would have headed to the train station and back to Resembool.  

Once his face had cooled and he glanced up, his felt caught. Roy had tilted his head a little and gave him that smile again.  The same sureness and confidence that had annoyed him about Roy when he was in the military had made his stomach flutter for a second time. As much as Ed had wanted to be irritated, he couldn’t.  

Instead they met later that night and they had laughed, and Roy didn’t question why he only ordered juice instead of alcohol. He even earned bragging rights to beating Roy in a game of cards. Once it got late enough for the drunks to start coming in, he had made his excuses and checked into a hotel. When Ed got to his room, he found Roy’s number had been slipped into his coat pocket.    
   
Ed had called the next evening.    

Their second meeting, he met Roy at the same bar for a couple drinks, and again, there was never any questions as to why he never ordered alcohol. He ended up going home with Roy that night. The morning after, Ed had asked if it was okay for them to keep it casual. He knew how busy the military kept Roy, even more so now with a higher rank, and he would be returning home soon. Roy had simply smiled and said that was fine, but Ed had always wondered how fine it had been. He never asked, and Roy never said any more about it.    

He had never mentioned he was supposed to head south after going to Resembool, and once Winry had tuned up his automail, Ed came back to Central.  

He stopped at the main University there and asked for a job writing theses on Alchemy. With his former title and vast knowledge, he had no trouble contracting himself out the University. Afterwards, he made a down payment on his apartment and never mentioned to Roy that all of it had been some spur of the moment act over some gut feeling that he needed to stay mixed with an odd feeling of desperation to make sure he wouldn't be replaced.   

Their work schedules never stopped them from meeting more and more frequently. It started with a random weekend day every couple of weeks, to a few nights a week.  Ed could do his work mostly from his apartment if he needed to, but Roy had specific hours and duties he had to attend to. Still, he always managed to fit time with Ed in.   

He picked up a book as the memory faded enough to give him a moment’s clarity. Ed turned it over, put it back on the shelf, and looked over a few more. He let out a low frustrated grunt when none of his books caught his attention. Nothing jumped at him, begging to be read. The small chest near the window was filled with ones that he always saved in case he needed something new to read. If he took one out, he always made sure to replace it with something new the next time he ventured out. It was his safety to always make sure he could keep himself occupied.    

Ed turned away from the books—he'd save the chest for later—and went back out through the living room, down the hallway, flicked on the light in the bathroom, then pulled his shirt over his head. As he undressed, he wondered what Roy was doing today. If he had anyone special to visit or planned on spending the holiday weekend alone. He had never asked if Roy visited Gracia during the holidays or spent any time with his team. He knew the latter was less likely unless they threw an office party, but there were times when Roy wasn’t working and had plans. Ed always guessed it might be to check on Gracia and Elicia or maybe see his Aunt.   

He put his clothes in the hamper and turned on the water on. Ed waited until it got warm enough for him to slip in. He fiddled with the knob on the faucet until it reached the perfect temperature for him then let the warm water run over him.   

Roy had yet to introduce Ed to his Aunt or take him to her bar. His Aunt had only come up in conversation twice, and given the tone of Roy’s voice when he talked about her, Ed knew they were close. A part of him had wanted to ask both times if he could meet her, but what right did he have after insisting that their meet-ups should stay between two friends rather than two lovers?  

The wash cloth felt damp and cold in his hand until he ran it underneath the water. Ed soaped it up and washed his body, taking care not to snag the cloth on his automail and making sure he thoroughly cleaned himself. Even showering made him think of how whenever he spent the night at Roy’s, the next morning they always showered together. That was a rule of his he probably shouldn’t have broken, but leaving in the middle of the night when Roy felt so warm and inviting next him had been impossible.    
   
There had never been any complaints about him staying or requests that he leave. Only invitations to come over more. Ed finished rinsing himself off then took his time washing his hair. His fingers massaged his scalp, trying to ease the mild tension headache building. A part of it was due to hunger. He knew he had spent too long in his study reminiscing rather than doing something useful.   

Ed put his head under the stream of warm water and stayed there long after the shampoo had washed out and until the water starting turning cold. He turned the shower off, stepped out of it, and grabbed a regular towel to wrap around his waist while using one of his thick, white towels to dry his hair. Once he got all the water droplets soak up, he tossed it back on the rack and took extra care to dry off his automail. Then he pulled on the sleep pants he had tossed in the bathroom earlier.   

He always kept his apartment around ten degrees warmer than most people did so he wouldn’t have to wrap his hair up to dry. Ed picked up the comb and slowly began to untangle his hair while he considered whether or not he wanted to go out tonight or stay in. If he left his apartment, the air would probably do him good, but his feet would lead him to trouble. The temptation to stop at a bar for a drink would get the better of him. It had been over a year since he touched anything other than a small glass of wine at Al and Winry’s wedding.  

The comb dropped onto the back of the sink once he finished. Ed wandered back out to his living room, briefly stopping in his bedroom to grab a sock and put it on his right foot, and laid down on the couch. He reached behind him to pull down the thick quilt he kept on the back of it.    

His pocket watch he got in Xing lay on the small coffee table. Ed leaned forward as far as he could without disturbing the quilt and checked the time. It was now four thirty. He had wasted up two and half hours, lost in his thoughts. His stomach immediately grumbled, reminding him that he was supposed to eat after his shower. Ed grunted and buried himself deeper into the soft fabric.  

The quilt pulled up a little, exposing his right foot. He tucked his leg up higher, accidentally bringing tugging the quilt up along with it. Ed sat up and pulled it back down over his feet, then curled himself into a ball. His head lay flat on the couch, causing his neck to rest at an odd angle. He moved and turned and twisted himself a few more times trying to find a comfortable spot before giving up.   

What had started out as a small throb behind his eyes grew into a deep ache. Ed laid his head in the palm of his hands and rubbed his temples. The thought of going back to bed tempted him. He’d eat something small, turn out the lights, and maybe sleep it off. He knew better, though. As the hours ticked by, the worst his mood became. The chance he’d wake up in an hour or two from a nightmare was likely.    
   
By the time he pulled himself up off the couch, his stomach started to feel gross. He knew the burning sensation was from the lack of food and the longer he went without it, the sicker he’d get. Instead of going straight into the kitchen, Ed stopped and glanced at his phone. He reached out then pulled back. Whether or not he wanted to call Roy simply to hear his voice or for something else, he wasn’t sure of. Ed’s hand trembled when he thought back to the dirty and sweet things Roy had whispered into his ear. He wasn’t even sure what brought them up other than his fingers were hitting buttons and he knew damned well whose number they were calling.   

The last night he had seen Roy had been a week ago. The night before he left. Ed clearly remembered how the desperation between them had started by him simply mentioning he would be gone a week. Roy had pressed him against the wall, holding him tightly while kissing him. Ed had lost his clothes before his back had hit Roy’s mattress.   

Roy had taken everything he had to give that night, including his heart. If there had been any doubt in his mind before about how deep his feelings for Roy went, that night had blown all hesitation away and solidified them with each dirty thing Roy had whispered in his ear along with promises for him to come back.  

The next morning, he had taken an early afternoon train back to Resembool, and hadn’t talked to Roy since. He had meant to call at least once from Resembool but hadn’t gotten around to it, and now that he was back, he realized how much he missed hearing Roy’s voice and seeing his smile. He missed the way Roy touched and kissed him, the way their bodies molded together when Roy held him close.     

Thinking about it made his need all the more potent. Ed tried to push it back only to have Roy’s words invade his thoughts again until he felt like his was drowning in them and realized he was holding his phone to his ear and it had started to ring.           

He clutched the phone in his hand and waited for Roy to pick up, although he doubted he would get an answer, but the thought of spending the rest of the night alone made his stomach twist into knots and his chest ache. Ed had to try even though Roy was likely still at work. Calling now also felt safe when he knew the chances of having a conversation were slim. A part of him felt like a coward for playing it safe. It should not matter whether Roy was home or not, yet it did. He wanted Roy to answer, yet he also wanted to the phone to ring until the line went dead. 

“ _Hello._ ”  

Even over the phone Roy’s voice sounded smooth and confident, wrapping around his thoughts like fire and heat. It made his heart beat faster, and desire curl up in his belly.   

“Hey, I’m back early. I was wondering...” He hesitated then blew out a quiet breath. This was a mistake. "Never mind. I... I gotta go.” Ed quickly hung up the phone before Roy could ask questions, dropping it back down onto its cradle as if it had burned him.    

Ed had only made it two steps away when it rang again. He stood there, frozen in place, staring at it until it stopped. His hand automatically moved across his cheek to brush away the wet there. “Fuck,” he softly cursed.    

Why had he done that? Why had he hung up on Roy? Why had he even bothered to call?    
    
His fingers gripped the sides of his pants. Ed fleshed out a complex array in his head before forcing himself to move into the kitchen and make himself something quick and easy to eat. He dug through his cupboards already knowing he had emptied out his fridge before leaving so none of his food would spoil. Ed had planned on heading to the market this morning. Now it simply felt like too much effort to go. He’d scrounge what he could for now.  

The only thing he found that didn’t feel like too much work, was a jar of peanut butter and some brown bread leftover. After making sure there was no mold on the bread, he took two slices and slathered the peanut butter on it.   

The sandwich tasted bland and the bread was already starting to go stale, but he swallowed down each bite. Ed needed to go out sometime this weekend and buy some food. Tonight was out of the question. The thought of going out in the cold and wet and being around people made a shiver move down his back. The staring was the worst. He knew when he felt like this, he looked like hell. Ed had seen enough times in the mirror, he didn’t other people giving him looks of pity or disgust.   

He wandered back to his study. Ed opened the chest with his books and took the first one he grabbed. Once he settled back onto his couch, he finished his sandwich and started to read. The words were mostly lost on him. He had trouble staying focused as his mind kept replaying the phone call.  The pages turned and he vaguely remembered the name about a high sea adventure and booty, but the rest was drowned out by the sound of Roy’s voice. He was about halfway through when he gave up. One word was all it took and his brain stopped working.   

Ed closed the book and tossed further down the couch. He pulled his knees up to his chest and picked at a piece of string that hung from the seam of his pants. His hair fell loosely over his shoulders and clouded some of his line of vision. Maybe he should call again so it wouldn’t seem so weird that he hung up. Before he could even talk himself into doing it—or talk himself out of doing it—a knock at his door startled him out of his thoughts.   

A scowl spread across his face. Ed ignored the second knock, but the third only got louder. He threw the quilt off the side and stood up, his fist balled up and his breaths coming out in irritated puffs. He waited to see if the person had left. A brief thought crossed his mind that his nosy downstairs neighbor had come to complain about his automail pounding against the floor. The last time the asshole came up to give him a hard time, Ed had successfully waited it out.   
    
But the knocking didn't stop, and he didn’t have the patience to wait any longer.     
   
“Fuck, I’m coming,” Ed did make a point to stomp his left foot down harder than he normally would have just to prove a point. “If you’re gonna complain about my automail again, you asshole then you can,” he jerked the doorknob to the right and yanked the door open. “suck my—”   

Roy raised an eyebrow to that, and Ed could tell he was holding back a laugh. “Suck your what, Edward?” 

Though, there was something else in Roy’s voice that Ed caught. Something that lie behind the teasing. Something the sounded like... concern? He glanced down at his lone sock and beat-up sleep pants. Ed absentmindedly rubbed the back of his neck as they stood in his doorway.  

Logically, he knew seeing Roy standing in front of his door, holding a bag of what smelled like good food, shouldn’t have surprised him yet it did. Ed opened his mouth, then closed it. “What...” His voice dropped. “Why?”     

He didn’t even know why he had asked that question so he simply stepped aside so Roy could come in. Ed closed the door, then stuffed his hands into his pants pockets. He had never invited Roy over to his place before. He had never seen any reason to. It made much more sense to go over to Roy’s house, which was bigger and felt more like a home than a hastily rented place to store his book collection and journals and to sleep in.   

The smile on Roy’s face dissipated and was replaced by worry. “I thought that maybe you could use some company and some good food.” Roy set the bag he was carrying down long enough to seek out the hooks along the wall, take off his coat, and hang it up.   

Even in casual clothes, a simple button up dark blue shirt and black slacks, Roy looked handsome. Ed suddenly felt under dressed with only sleep pants on.       

“I made it myself.” Roy’s voice cut through his thoughts, and when their eyes met, they were both caught for a moment.  

“Oh yeah?” Ed perked up at that. He loved Roy’s cooking. “What did you bring?” He tried to get a peak of what was in the bag, but Roy had it meticulously tucked down in.  

Roy softly laughed as his eyes roamed around the room. “Come into the kitchen and see for yourself.” He picked up the bag and walked away with it.     
   
Of course Roy couldn’t tell him outright. Whenever he had a surprise for Ed, he never let it slip until he was ready. Ed almost gathered the energy to be indignant before deflating a bit and followed behind. Whatever Roy had made smelled delicious and familiar. He couldn't place it but it reminded him of home when his mother was still alive. Ed knew without a doubt it would taste so much better than the sandwich he tossed together earlier.   

After Roy set the food down on the counter, he pulled out two covered dishes all the while still taking in what he could see of Ed’s apartment.  

Ed leaned against the counter and watched. He could ask again, but he already knew out of the two of them, Roy had far more patience than he did. All he had to do was wait a little longer, and he’d find out.  

“Where do you keep your plates?” Roy gently prodded Ed’s arm with his hand.   

Ed pulled his eyes away from the covered dishes. “Huh? Oh... I can get them.” It was nice enough for Roy to come over and bring food. The least he could do was help out a little. “Bring it over to the table.” He pointed to the small table in far end corner of his kitchen.    

While Roy set the food down, Ed reached into the cupboard opposite of his fridge and got out two plates for them. “Do we need forks or spoons?”     

“Neither, I don’t think, although I’ve never eaten anything quite like this so I’m not entirely sure it’s meant to be picked up with our hands or cut with fork and knife.” The perplexed expression on Roy’s face made Ed curious.    

He moved up close to Roy and set the plates on the table. Ed reached out to lift the lid on one of the containers only to have Roy’s hand stop him. “Hey I won’t know if we need anyth—"   

Roy tugged him closer and kissed him while gently moving his hand moved away from the food. Ed’s hand dropped down and rested on the table.  Roy pulled back, kissed him again, before letting him go.  

 Ed opened his eyes. “That’s playing dirty,” he said, lightly poking Roy’s chest. His words held no bite to them.   

 “Sometimes I have to play dirty with you, Edward.” Roy removed the top to reveal two rows of small meat pies lined up neatly.  

They looked like the ones his mom used to make him and Al when they were kids. Meat, cheese, and diced fried potatoes baked in a flaky crust with the right amount of seasoning to blend all the flavors together.   
   
“We‘ re definitely going to need some forks.” Ed nudged Roy’s side with his arm. “How did you?” he paused, already knowing the answer to the question. Ed remembered mentioning once that this was one of his favorite dishes. Either Roy had called Winry earlier today for the recipe or he had done so directly after their conversation.  

“I thought that maybe this would cheer you up a bit. You said whenever you travel, you miss your comfort food from back home.” Roy had a faint, yet soft smile on his face.  

Ed grinned a little. “It smells delicious. I haven’t had this in forever.” He maneuvered himself out of Roy’s space and grabbed two forks for them. “These can be messy once you bite into them.”  

Roy gave Ed a doubtful look. “I don't think it will be that messy. They’re all wrapped up in a crust.”  

“I’m gettin’ you one just in case. Fair warning. I might laugh if these things defeat you and make a mess all over if you don’t use anything but your bare hands to eat them with.” Ed took the forks out of the drawer and set them down next to the plates.   

Roy had already taken two for himself and given Ed five to eat. He quietly sat down at his table and dug into his dinner. He hadn’t realized how hungry he had been until the first bite. The food tasted as delicious as it smelled. When he had his down days, Ed had learned to stick to a routine. He would get out of bed before noon, have a snack, then shower before following up with something else to eat, then make dinner before bedtime.     
   
This was much better, though. Even with the silence, having Roy here made him feel less lonely even with Roy occasionally stopping to look him over whenever he’d make an appreciative noise.   

“What?” Ed gave Roy a pointed look.  

Roy shook his head and gave a satisfied grin. “No. I simply find it amazing you can eat as much as you do and delightful my cooking brings you so much joy.”    

Ed made a face. “Don’t be say weird shit like that. Can’t help it tastes so damn good.” Roy had once described his eating habits as erotic, and ever since then whenever it was pointed out how much he enjoyed eating, his thoughts always returned to that day.    

“I hardly find it weird you enjoy food.” Still, Roy had a slightly smug look on his face.    

He picked up a large crumb and tossed it at Roy’s chest. “It’s rude to stare.”  

Roy lightly chuckled but didn’t break eye contact. “Forgive me but it’s impossible to look away.” They both knew he didn’t want forgiveness nor was he sorry. He enjoyed cooking for Ed and the sounds made for him while eating.   

Even now, looking worse for the wear, Ed didn’t hold back. The food on his plate didn’t last long. He finished it off and leaned back a little in his chair. “It’s much better than the sandwich I had earlier.”   

His eyes moved over the extra food while he waited. This wasn’t the type of thing Roy would normally eat. Ed was well aware this meal was for his benefit alone, although Roy had admitted to him before that after the war, he could eat almost anything. Ed never had to deal with soldier rations, and by the time he became a State Alchemist, Amestris had seemingly been at peace. Looking back now, he realized how there had always been signs of tension but he had been too distracted to realize it at first.  

For as much as he could focus when he needed to, Ed realized he could be easily blinded to the bigger picture when something else had his full attention. The severity depended on his level of guilt and how depressed his mood was.  

Glancing up, he noticed Roy had finished his meal and was now staring intensely at him. There was still a lot of food left, and Ed knew Roy wouldn’t take any of it back home for him. It didn’t surprise him someone he cared about had decided to look out for him. Al had always made sure he was eating and getting enough sleep when he saw Ed. If he had called his brother, he would have expected Al to show up the next morning. What did surprise him was how Roy knew without him needing to ask.  

Roy had managed to read his tone of voice. Ed wouldn’t pretend he was in any shape to play off how he felt. It dug deeper in that he had chosen to call Roy whereas he would never dream to call Al and worry his little brother.  

There was something about being in Roy’s presence that always helped calm him. He knew without a doubt, Roy could handle him when he was like this. That also bothered him. How easy it had been for him to call and invite Roy in. It shouldn’t matter if anyone could handle his dark moods. Al was more than capable so why drag another person into his messed-up life? 

Ed stood to clear away their plates only to have Roy stop him.  

“I’ll get it.” Roy took the dishes and put them into the sink. Then put the remaining food in Ed’s fridge. There was enough left to last him most of the weekend.  

It took a few seconds before Ed processed what happened and move away from the table. When Roy turned around, Ed tentatively took his hand and led them to the couch. Ed pulled the quit up from the floor and sat down. He waited until Roy joined him before covering himself up with it.  

Roy immediately put his right arm around Ed’s shoulder and pulled him close. Ed let his hands drop softly to the couch. He squirmed and moved around, finally settling in the crook of Roy’s neck.  

“Thanks for feeding me.” His words came out quiet but he knew they were heard. Ed laid his head on Roy’s shoulder and stared at the wall ahead. He had never bothered to put up pictures or decorate with anything that did have a function.    

Roy simply took Ed’s hand into his own and gave it a firm squeeze. Normally, when Ed visited Roy, they would play cards or sometimes chess after dinner. Several times Roy had pulled him into heavy alchemic debates, but tonight Ed didn’t want to do any of those things. He didn’t have the energy to do any of those things. “How come you were home when I called?”  

“We closed the office early today for the holidays. Everyone agreed to stay over earlier in the week so we could finish up sooner today,” Roy said as his thumb moved over Ed’s index finger.  

 “Good.” Sometimes Ed worried about the way Roy pushed himself. He burrowed deeper into Roy’s embrace. “You need a break now and then.”  

“I’m free the entire weekend,” Roy murmured close to Ed’s ear.  

That almost sounded like an offer, but Ed pushed that thought aside. The idea of having Roy spend so much time with him when he was barely struggling to keep himself from falling apart felt strange and foreign to him.  

“I need to lay down...” Ed stretched his right arm over his head then nudged Roy. “You can come with if you want.”   

Roy brushed his lips across Ed’s cheek. “Are you asking me to spend the night?”   

“Do you want to?” Ed’s eyes moved up to the ceiling and fixated on the overhead light. “I mean… I don’t really know _what_ you wanna do or if you have plans.”   
   
He kissed the top of Ed’s head. “What I want, Edward, is to spend the weekend with you.”   

His eyes dropped down, briefly flickering to meet Roy’s before his gaze settled onto his hands. The weekend? Ed studied his hands as if there was some answer in them. If Roy stayed the entire weekend that would be the most time they had spent together in one go. Roy would see parts of him that most people didn’t. He wouldn’t be able to hide the worst of it. Roy would notice any small change in mood he had. He doubted things would be the same between them if he said yes. Was he even ready for that?  

Ed’s fingers curled up onto Roy’s shirt. “You don’t have’ta stick around, Roy,” he quietly said. “I’ll be fine. I’m used to this happening now and then. I won’t do anything dumb. I most just skulk around, pick at food, and read. I can handle it.”  

Roy brushed Ed’s hair behind his shoulder. “This isn’t about whether you can handle it, Edward. I know you’re more than capable of handling far worse.” He carefully avoided mentioning how worried he was or that he wanted to take care of Ed. “I enjoy spending time with you. You asked me what I wanted, and this is exactly what I want. To be here, with you in my arms.”  

“I’m terrible company right now.” Ed reached down and tugged on his sock. “I have about as much coherent thought as an amoeba.”  

“Is that so?” Roy carefully took Ed’s hand away from the sock and held it. “I have it on good authority that amoebas are quite intelligent.”  

His mouth opened up then closed. Ed held back a smile and gave Roy a pointed look. “You are something else.” He carefully extracted himself from Roy’s grasp. “I’m going to bed. You comin’?”  

Roy stood up and let Ed lead them down the hall and into the bedroom. Ed fumbled around to turn on the small lamp on the dresser.  

“The bed’s not so big but it’s cozy.” Roy’s bed was a lot bigger, but its full size was plenty big enough for him to stretch out in. One of the perks to this apartment had been it came fully furnished. Perfect for someone who didn’t own much outside of clothes and books.  

Ed got into bed with Roy closely behind him. He sat up and glanced at Roy, unsure of what to say or do. He felt awkward even though they had slept in the same bed countless times. A part of him wished he could fall asleep with Roy holding him, but it would be awhile before he got tired enough for his mind to shut out all his thoughts.    

“Come here.” Roy reached out his hand, and when Ed took it, he pulled their bodies close. “Let me help you relax, alright.”   

Not a question or even a demand. Roy tended to do that. Make his requests seem simple, undemanding, yet they always held so much more in them. As much as Ed wanted to tell Roy he should go home, when their eyes met, the words wouldn’t come out.    

“I don’t wanna be taken care of.” Ed watched Roy’s expression closely. There was a pause in Roy’s eyes that suggested he was mulling over what Ed had said.    

“Remember a month ago when I almost raided my whiskey cabinet and you told me to let you help? That you weren’t doing it because you thought I was weak but because you wanted to ease my pain?” Roy gently pulled Ed’s hair tie out.    

His shoulders immediately warmed when his hair covered them. ”... Yeah, I remember.” Ed glanced over his shoulder, but he kept his eyes away from Roy’s.    

“People care about you, Edward. I care about you. If you’re so willing to put yourself on the line to help your family and friends, don’t you think we want to do the same in return?” Roy pulled Ed’s hair away from his shoulders. “There’s no way I can get up and leave you like this without it eating at me for the rest of night. If you don’t want me here, I’ll go. I won’t force my help on you, but I don’t want to go.”     

“Then stay. I don’t want you go,” Ed softly admitted. “I don’t wanna be a burden either. Asking you to stick around when—" His fingers shook in his lap as Roy started gently brushing his hair.  “It feels like too much...” to put on anyone. “It’s too messy inside right now. Feels like I’m gonna crawl outta my skin.” Roy was messy on the inside too. Ed knew they both understood those feelings even if that small, biting voice in his head told him otherwise.    

Roy brushed his lips across the shell of Ed’s ear. “I know what it’s like to have that hollow void inside of you.” He moved his fingers under Ed’s chin and tilted it up a bit.  “I understand what it’s like to feel isolated and alone. I’m not here to ask questions. I here to ease that ache as much as I can.”     

Ed couldn’t refute what Roy said. It would have been hypocritical do so, especially after chiding Roy then for trying to push him away. It wasn’t the same when it was him, although he knew it should be.    
   
He scooted back until his butt pressed up against Roy’s groin. “Alright. No questions unless I invite them.” The terms were hardly fair, but Ed hated questions when he felt like this.  

“No questions about this unless you invite them.” Roy kissed the back of Ed’s neck. “But questions about other things are on the table.”  

Ed shivered at the touch. The kiss was gentle and light, barely there but it made his skin feel warm. “That’s fair.”    

Roy picked up the brush from his nightstand and moved his fingers through the ends of Ed’s hair. “May I?”  

There was a long pause of silence between them before Ed nodded his head once. He already knew what Roy was asking. They had done this before a few times. It wasn’t something Ed often let Roy indulge himself in simply because they didn’t have a lot of time to spend on extras when they did see each other.  

He exhaled a quite moan when the brush touched the back of his head. There was something so personal and intimate about allowing another person to brush his hair. Ed rarely let anyone touch it outside of sex. It helped him relax yet made him feel vulnerable like if they looked closely enough, they would see him, all of him, so he always said no or avoided it completely by leaving before it could be brought up.    

The first time Roy had asked, he almost said no. It was a kind of intimacy that felt too raw, too real. Ed remembered the way his heart had beat faster and how when he answered with a yes instead of a no, there was a brief moment of fear that moved through him. Not because he was afraid of Roy but scared that once he tripped over this line, there’d be no going back.    

The gentle strokes felt as incredible as they had the first time. Roy’s left hand holding his side and just as warm as it had been then. The tender touches wrapped him up and made him feel safe, whole.  

With anyone else, he would have felt weak, and in some ways, Ed did feel that way with Roy, but he didn’t mind it so much. Roy wouldn’t use his weakness against him or take advantage of it. He could relax and be himself without worry and knowing that soothed him.  

He closed his eyes and let Roy finish untangling his hair. Ed heard the brush get placed back onto the nightstand, then felt Roy’s hands touch his shoulders.  He inhaled a sharp breath when Roy’s fingers firmly pressed into the tight muscles to loosen them up.  

Roy’s fingers worked their way down from Ed’s shoulders to his upper and mid back. Ed couldn’t stop the low moans coming from him. He hadn’t realized how tense he was until now. Everything started loosening up, making his thoughts feel fuzzy as Roy’s fingers loosened the tight muscles in his shoulders and back until Ed was completely bowed forward on the bed. Once Roy was done, Ed did a half roll onto his back. He tucked his right arm above his head and let his legs fall loosely open.    

They settled into a comfortable silence. Ed lay there, staring up at the ceiling with the soft light of the lamp casting shadows along it. He turned his head a bit to look at Roy. “Going back to Resembool was weird.” He wasn’t sure why he had said that, but the words came tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them.  

“Oh?” Roy turned on his side so he could face Ed. “How so? Did something happen while you were there?” It was unlikely Ed had a falling out with Alphonse, but he needed to get a better feel for what was going on.  

“No... not really. I mean, we did the same thing we do every year. Nothing changed ‘cept they’re married now and Winry’s pregnant so next year’ll be different too. They both seemed a little surprised by it and that was weird too, but I didn’t ask and they’re happy, so,” he lightly shrugged his shoulders. “I dunno...”   
“Does it bother you that they’re married and starting a family?” Roy carefully asked. He couldn’t tell where Ed was going with this.   
   
Ed scrunched his nose up and nudged Roy with his foot. “No... fuck I’m excited about it. I’m happy for them but I don’t know... it made everything feel like I didn’t fit there.” He furrowed his brow as he tried to think of a better way to explain it. “Al’s always gonna be my brother and Winry’s always gonna feel like family but they now have their own small family unit. They live together and share their lives together and stayin’ a day or two wouldn’t be so bad but longer than that feels like an intrusion.”   
   
It all started to fall into place, but Roy waited. “If it’s a family tradition, then why do you think they’d feel intruded upon?”  

“Because,” Ed paused. He wasn’t really sure why. He couldn’t explain why that feeling wouldn’t leave him alone. “I dunno... I guess it’s weird goin’ and stayin’ at someone else’s house once they’re together even if It's family. Feels like overstaying, especially since,” he pulled his bottom lip with his teeth, “It’s... I’m not jealous. I don’t want to sound like I’m envious of them. It’s not that at all, but they’re their own unit now. I’m a part of that but as extended family. I’ll always be welcome there and everything, but it makes me feel like maybe I should have my own unit too.”  

“I think I get what you’re saying, Edward.” Roy moved in close and brushed Ed’s hair away from his eyes. “You feel that way because you feel lonely.”   

“That’s not,” Or was it? Ed’s foot moved across the sheet. “Maybe when I was younger, sure, I wanted something like they have, but now...” He stopped, unsure of how to finish what he wanted to say.  

Roy let out a quiet breath. “You said you felt like you were intruding and didn’t fit. It’s hard to feel like the odd person out in that situation if you’re comfortable being alone.”  

“I’m not alone, though.” Ed frowned as his voice grew defensive. “I do have friends, and I have my family. When I travel, I’m constantly meeting new people or visiting friends. I shouldn’t feel like I have this gaping hole in my chest.”  

“There’s a difference between being surrounded by people, even family and friends than having someone you know understands you and your needs.” Roy stopped short of saying Ed didn’t feel like he had anyone to talk about this without hurting feelings. Mentioning Alphonse in this case would be a mistake even if Ed knew it was true.  

Ed grabbed the sheet and his fingers curled tightly around it. “What do you mean by that? Friends and family should be enough.”  

“Perhaps for some people it is enough. I won’t deny I have some friends and colleagues who are happy being single. They’ll happily spill their deepest, darkest secrets and thoughts to family and friends or the first person willing to listen to them, but it doesn’t work for most people, Ed.” Roy laid his hand on Ed’s shoulder and softly squeezed it. “What you crave is only a role that a best friend or a lover can fill, or perhaps someone who means more to you than a lover. There are needs that even a best friend cannot fill nor someone who is only there to keep you warm at night.  

“You want someone who’ll not only understand, but understand in a different kind of way. There aren’t many people who could completely comprehend some of things we’ve been through, and while the people closest to us know, it’s not the same as having someone to hold you at night, long after the sex and on nights when you’re simply too tired to do more than get into bed and sleep. You want someone you can count on to remind you that you do have a place where you belong.”       
   
“Al’s my best friend... and Ling fits into that category too.” Ed purposely diverted away from the other things Roy said. He was already digging deep, and he wasn’t sure he could handle throwing himself completely over in the abyss those thoughts would create.  

“Xing is far away from Amestris, Ed, and Al is also your brother.”  Roy touched the ends of Ed’s hair that had fallen over his shoulder.      
     
“So what? I know plenty of people who consider a sibling their best friend.” Ed rolled his shoulder just enough so that he could touch Roy’s arm with his cheek.  

“Your relationship with Alphonse is not the same. He might be your little brother, but you've also taken on the role as a parent to an extent.” Roy’s hand moved up to caress the back of Ed’s neck. “That changes things. Of course you wouldn’t want to burden or worry him. You’ve always considered it your role to protect and take care of him.”  

“What would you know about it? You’re an only child.” Ed inhaled deeply as soon as those words left his mouth. He couldn’t take it back, though. It would be a lie to pretend Roy wasn’t an only child and knew what it was like to have a sibling.  

Roy’s hand didn’t move. Instead he softly laughed. “Maybe I don’t have a personal perspective on it, but it doesn’t make what I said any less true. You’re lonely, Edward. Going back to back to Resembool alone made you realize that and we both know the reasons why.”   
   
It didn’t have to be said out loud. Ed understood exactly what Roy meant by that. Not only was this the first year Al and Winry were married and starting a family, but being with Roy had given him a taste of what it could be like to have that himself.   
    
Having Roy so easily notice overwhelmed him. He brought his hand to his face and choked back a sob. Ed had always hated crying. He hated the idea of not picking himself back up and moving forward. He hated how his loneliness consumed him and slowly chipped away at his happiness. Days had turned into months and months into years and yet, here he was, the same person he had been when he left home.    
    
Ed wiped his hand across his eyes. “That’s not fair to say.” It wasn’t fair for Roy to blatantly see through him. To strip away his words and dig at the true meaning of them.  “I’m happy for Al and Winry, but they’ve moved on with their lives, starting a family, and I can’t move forward, and I don’t know why I can’t. I don’t know why I can’t get over having stalled out or where I even fit anymore. I’m damned useless. People see me and think about the Fullmetal Alchemist, and I’m not that person anymore. I look back and hardly even recognize him or what he stood for.”    

“You’re not useless, Edward.” Roy pulled Ed up against him. “You’re one of the most brilliant men I’ve met.”    

“What good does being smart do when I have no idea what to do with it?” Ed went to wipe his eyes only to have Roy stop him.    

Roy gently kissed Ed, moving his thumb over each eye to wipe away the tears.  “Edward—”     

“No, I mean that. What good is it if I can barely even function?” Ed pushed back to give himself a little space. He needed the take a deep breath and— Why was he so messed up? His insides were twisted in knots. Instead of a heart, he had a bleeding mess that refused to heal. “Everyone else is doing fine, moving on, and I’m stuck in place.”  

“These are things you can work out.” Roy didn‘ t try to immediately pull Ed back to him, knowing it might have the opposite effect he wanted. “I’m not saying there’s an easy fix to them only that—”  

“I don’t want answers, Roy. I don’t want fixed. I don’t wanna be told everything will turn out fine.” Ed’s hands balled up into fists. “I don’t know what I want, but I know what I don’t want, and that is a goddamned lie, and we both know it.”  

He waited for Roy to say something to him, but nothing came. Ed finally looked up and hated what he saw. The frustration on Roy’s face was clear. Not as clear as the sadness in his eyes.  

“I don’t fit anywhere, and I don’t know how to make myself fit anymore. Alchemy was my entire life. I poured everything into it. First so I could do the impossible and my mom back, then to fix that stupid mistake and get my brother’s body back. There was no learning curve. I got Al’s body back and lost my gate at the same time.”  

He had managed to keep himself busy enough that first year while caring for Alphonse, but afterwards, once he only had himself to care for, Ed was left with a hollow feeling deep in his chest.  

Tears started to roll down his cheeks again. His frustration and inability to sort through his thoughts cause him to pull away and curl into himself. Roy said nothing more, only moved closer. Warm arms wrapped around Ed’s body and held him. The weight pressed up against him felt soothing and safe and almost too much. Ed couldn’t hold back this time. The sounds he made pulsated in his ears. He had to stop. He had to calm down.  

Instead his fingers dug deeper into Roy’s shirt and held on tighter until his cries began to ebb and the front of the shirt was soaked.     
   
   
 

**Author's Note:**

> The ratings in this story may get bumped up to Explicit. I'm still not entirely sure how this will end nor did I want to potentially spoil what will come next.


End file.
